Satirical by Alexander Detev:
Dad, Dad, I really liked Europe! But not in rotten Western Europe, but in the beautiful one - in the East. The fake news media claims that they were poorer there, but I didn't see anything poor - their five-star hotels are nice, the champagne is sparkling, and the limousines are real.
What I saw and heard
So first I went to your friend Viktor's. Do you know what cool thing he came up with? He installed facial recognition cameras to record the crazy people who dare to protest. And do you know how he pushed it? Supposedly it was only against LGBTI people, because they recently banned Pride. But who will check when and what they record - it is not clear. Cool, right? Otherwise, we might as well think about banning Pride. We started to inspire people against LGBTI people, because it works very effectively for our other friends. And your far-right and ultra-conservative donors and voters will like it. We will also say that we defend the family. We just have to hide Scott Besant somewhere, because they will attack him - he is gay, after all. But he is also a Soros man, but no one notices it, he might get away with it. So - we ban it, and if anyone still dares to go to Pride, you'll send the Proud Boys to deal with them.
As we said about controlling the protests - now Alexander from Serbia is also dealing with some such impudent guys. The guy does business with China, but some kind of visor got caught, because it collapsed and killed people. And then there are protests, and demands for resignations, and I don't know what else. But what does this visor matter against the billions that Alexander has negotiated? The guy made such a deal - as if you taught him. I really liked it! Now I'm against China, I even explained it to Viktor and Alexander, but Si is a serious man, as you say, not some scoundrel like Macron and Starmer.
By the way, let me tell you, Alexander gave me advice on how to react to those who protest. Maybe with a sound gun, which is prohibited, but we'll say later that we didn't use it. And we had to talk about "color revolutions" - people really liked it when you told them that someone from the outside had motivated their fellow citizens to want a better life. Then the desire for a better life became something vicious, something nasty. Uncle Vladimir was the best at explaining this about revolutions. He's a great leader, hey! He's been in power for 25 years and no one dares to criticize him and make fun of him. Not like those on CNN and NBC insult us. Horror! And in Belgrade it's the same - on the big TV channels they only say good things about Aleksandar.
What's the trick in Bulgaria
However, let me tell you, dad, out of everyone, Boyko impressed me the most in Bulgaria. He's a great guy and he's our guy - he'll listen to you. He's been listening to the "bosses" for 20 years and he's always come out of it dry. You know, dad, how sometimes you say one thing in the morning and do another in the evening? Or how one day you impose tariffs and the next you postpone them? Well, Boyko has been doing this since he's been in politics - and he always gets away with it. But I'm telling you the truth - we have to trust him, he's ready for anything for us. Take, for example, this Maria Bakalova, who played my mother in that terrible movie about you. She was Bulgarian. But when they elected you, do you know what Boyko did? He immediately hinted that they should remove her from a campaign by their State Department.
Boyko is not as aggressive towards protesters in Bulgaria as Viktor and Alexander are in their countries, but that's probably because there simply aren't any in Bulgaria. And why aren't there, you might ask. Now look at the trick - in Bulgaria, dad, there is no justice system. There are two people who call and order, the others are supposedly waiting for some kind of justice, but they never get it. And they have given up. There are judges who try to fight and hinder, but they are harassed from everywhere until they give up. Very good tactics! And not like here - those judges who constantly stop your decrees. Nobody stops Uncle Vladimir from decrees. And here in Bulgaria there is a boy who nobody stops his decrees. I will write to you in more detail about this boy in the next letter, that Biden sanctioned him for something...